The Future

At the moment, there are so many things that I need to decide upon. Most people say that you should ‘live for the moment,’ however, I have always been the type of person who likes to plan things in advance. I like structure, I am very meticulous in that way. I am always thinking about the future, which often means that I am oblivious and am not fully present in certain situations. I can rarely switch off my thoughts and feelings and simply enjoy myself, there’s always a little voice in the back of my head. I worry about the repercussions of my actions way too much and I care way too much about what others think of me.

It always upsets me when people ask me about what I do for a living or my life goals, because I honestly don’t have any. My belief is why set yourself up to just be disappointed? I am a pessimist and I always expect the worst, which I suppose is a bad trait to possess. But hey, you could also say that I’m just realistic! I guess for now I just need to focus on what my strengths are and then try to build a career around that. Maybe that will be something to do with writing, seeing as I love blogging so much! In the mean time, I am in the process of signing up for some voluntary work at my local ante-natal clinic as a receptionist. This will be for a few hours a week for starters - just to get me out of the house and to get myself back into a routine. Plus, I would love to gain a little bit of self confidence.

Overall, I know that I am still young and that I have plenty of time to figure out which path I want to take in life, but I just wish that I could make my mind up a little bit faster. I want to be able to do something that I am proud of and make other people proud of me too. Who knows what the future will bring, I just hope that I enjoy it! 

The Human Mind

Isn’t it funny how the human mind works? Our brains are all made up of the same components, but we are all so different. Some of us our loud, some of us are quiet. Many people are outgoing and confident, whilst others are shy and reserved. We all have different fears and phobias. Whether it be a fear of heights, or spiders, or flying - we are all afraid of something. I don’t think we will ever know what triggers our fears within our mind, it just happens without warning. Some fears are irrational, some are not. We all know what it feels like to be scared. That feeling in the pit of your stomach where it churns and convulses. The pressure builds up in your body, rising higher and higher like a thermometer or a saucepan that is about to boil over. It gets to that point where we explode, every inch of emotion within you exudes out for all to see. Some people get angry, some of us cry whilst some of as may freeze. Still, motionless. As if all life has been drained from your body and all that is in your way is the obstacle that is right in front of you. That one fear that you need to decide whether you can conquer it or whether you are going to run away. Sometimes, it seems much easier to run from what scares you. It is the easy and ‘comfortable' option. However, staying in denial is quite possibly the worst thing that you could do. The longer you avoid your fears, the more intense they become.

Anxiety

I hate it when people think that anxiety is not an illness. Anxiety isn't just when you get nervous before a test. It isn't when you feel a little shaky before an interview. It isn't when you get a few butterflies whilst talking to somebody you like. Anxiety prevents you from doing simple everyday tasks that others do not even bat an eyelash at. Fear takes over your entire body without any warning, and even though you know that your thoughts are irrational - you cannot shake the feeling that something terrible is going to happen.

New places, large crowds and situations where I cannot escape can all trigger absolute panic inside my mind. People often think that I use my anxiety as an excuse to get out of doing things, but this is not the case at all. I cannot pick and choose what triggers my anxiety, it is beyond my control and it upsets me when people do not believe me. Panic attacks are terrifying and they leave me feeling dizzy, weak and extremely nauseous. So why would I choose to have one on purpose?

These past few months have been horrible for me and my anxiety is worse than it has ever been. I am taking small steps but it’s not easy and it is extremely upsetting. I try to go out and slowly build up to doing things, yet I feel as if I am going nowhere. I am not improving. I feel like I am often a coward because I do not push myself, because I am just too afraid of failing and letting people down. I am so open about my anxiety and write about it a lot. This is because I feel like I should not be ashamed of it, and if one person on here reads my posts and realises that they are not alone - that will make me extremely happy.

Anxiety and depression are both serious mental illnesses and I believe that opening up is the first step of helping yourself. To read more information about anxiety and other mental health issues, I recommend that you check out the website 'Mind,' as it has a lot of great information!