The Future

At the moment, there are so many things that I need to decide upon. Most people say that you should ‘live for the moment,’ however, I have always been the type of person who likes to plan things in advance. I like structure, I am very meticulous in that way. I am always thinking about the future, which often means that I am oblivious and am not fully present in certain situations. I can rarely switch off my thoughts and feelings and simply enjoy myself, there’s always a little voice in the back of my head. I worry about the repercussions of my actions way too much and I care way too much about what others think of me.

It always upsets me when people ask me about what I do for a living or my life goals, because I honestly don’t have any. My belief is why set yourself up to just be disappointed? I am a pessimist and I always expect the worst, which I suppose is a bad trait to possess. But hey, you could also say that I’m just realistic! I guess for now I just need to focus on what my strengths are and then try to build a career around that. Maybe that will be something to do with writing, seeing as I love blogging so much! In the mean time, I am in the process of signing up for some voluntary work at my local ante-natal clinic as a receptionist. This will be for a few hours a week for starters - just to get me out of the house and to get myself back into a routine. Plus, I would love to gain a little bit of self confidence.

Overall, I know that I am still young and that I have plenty of time to figure out which path I want to take in life, but I just wish that I could make my mind up a little bit faster. I want to be able to do something that I am proud of and make other people proud of me too. Who knows what the future will bring, I just hope that I enjoy it! 

My Current Ambition

My current ambition, and my top priority at the moment, is to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life. With everything that has been going on with me over the past year or so, I feel extremely lost and confused. I have no idea what I want to do in the future - especially job wise. I have no clue which career path I want to follow, as when I think of my strengths, I cannot really think of one thing that I am talented at in particular. I would love to do something based around writing, but I feel that I do not have the knowledge or determination to do so. One of my major problems is that I lack drive and I am often very lazy, which is a problem that I desperately need to fix. I think that my vocabulary and knowledge of the English language is quite limited, however, I really do not want to go back to studying. Back in the day, college made me miserable and I have never wanted to go to university, so have already ruled these options out. 

At times, I really wish I was more like my brother. He knew what he wanted to do even when he was in secondary school. His passion is sport and he has stuck with that for almost ten years now. I’m going off on a bit of a tangent here now, but I do compare myself to my brother an awful lot. He is confident, loud and self-assured; I am shy, quiet and insecure. I find it so bewildering how different we are, especially since we have been raised in the exact same way. I think I often see myself as the ‘failure’ of the family, and this includes all of my cousins also. All of them have had many achievements between them - honours at university, city jobs and amazing GCSE results to name a few. When I look back on what I have done, not one achievement springs to mind and this upsets me a great deal. I wish I could be proud of myself but I’m just not. Maybe that will change in the future, if I ever figure out what I want to do… I guess only time will tell.