Living And Dealing With Anxiety

It seems that many bloggers have come forward and spoken about their anxiety lately, which is amazing and incredibly brave of them to do so and now, I feel ready to do the same. Even though I have touched base with this subject before in my 'Saying Yes And Overcoming Your Fears' post, I have never gone into as much detail as I am going to today. Obviously this post is incredibly personal to me, as I am talking about something that affects me every single day to people that I do not even know in real life - yet somehow, this make it slightly easier. My main aim with this post is to share my experience with you all and hopefully, I might also be able to help some other people in similar situations along the way. Although writing this is rather daunting, inspiring others to not be ashamed of their anxiety will make it all worth while!

I have been suffering from anxiety and panic attacks for ten years now and until recently, I did absolutely nothing about it. However, last year really was the tip of the iceberg for me and I was in such a horrible place. I had a job I hated which made me ill and therefore, I became very reserved and reclusive. It got to the point where if I would have a panic attack in a particular place or situation, I would do everything in my power to never return to that place again through pure fear of the same thing happening again. Whenever my friends would invite me out, I would nine times of ten say no because I had some sort of irrational fear that something bad would happen to me. I would often become so distressed that I would violently shake, feel sick and be in tears. Plus, on the odd occasion when I did build up the courage to go out, I never fully enjoyed myself. It used to only cause me stress and unhappiness and let’s face it, that’s no way to live your life!

At this point, I knew that something had to change because my anxiety was starting to affect my daily life to the point where I couldn’t even hold down a job or career. This, consequently, controlled a lot of the choices that I made and it has stopped me from doing absolutely anything that is even slightly out of my comfort zone. It even hindered me in embracing certain opportunities that came my way that in hindsight would have benefited me a great deal. I regret saying no to certain things even to this day.

I still find it incredibly hard to really open up to my friends and family about my anxiety problem, even when the majority of them know about it. I tend to worry that they will judge me if I go into detail about how I feel in case they end up thinking that I am some kind of nutcase and no longer want to be around me. Where as in reality, it turns out that so many people suffer with similar problems to me. I worry that they may also think that I use my anxiety as an excuse for certain things or that I am being a nuisance, though I am slowly learning that this is not the case at all. I am very lucky in the fact that I have some really supportive people in my life who I know I can always turn to. However, this is not the case for all people. Though, with that being said, there are so many good mental health programmes out there, (Mind and Anxiety UK being two of these,) that offer anxiety sufferers help and guidance if they do feel alone or unable to talk to a relative or friend about their issues. There are also many routes that you can take to help ease your anxiety and panic attacks; medication, stress management classes and counselling etc.

For the past six months or so, I have been attending counselling sessions every Tuesday afternoon. I definitely feel that this is the best option for me after having tried medication around this time last year, as it didn't agree with me and it actually made me more ill in terms of feeling nauseous and getting regular migraines. However, the one struggle I have with counselling is that I do want to go but I dread it at the same time. It’s not a nice feeling having to talk to somebody who is essentially a stranger about really deep and personal things every single week, even when you know it will be beneficial in the long run. Most of us, including myself at times, would much rather block it out or deal with our emotions privately rather than share them (though I have come to learn that bottling emotions up is unhealthy.)

Now, it’s a year on and I am slowly feeling the way I want to. Although to some it may seem like I am moving at a snail’s pace and have not done an awful lot this year, I know in my mind that I have come on leaps and bounds in this time. I love going out now, in fact I thrive off of it, which is something I never would have imagined myself saying twelve months ago! I’m not going to lie and say that everything is a walk in the park; I still have a long way to go to. To this day, my comfort zone is very restrictive and small but I am working on expanding it at a pace that suits me. I always want to do something reckless like drive to a random destination but then I get disheartened by the fact that I will probably get half way there, freak out and come home. 

I still have a mixture of good days and bad days but I believe that is all the about taking little steps to eventually get me to where I want to be. Of course, I don’t know how long this will take. I often put pressure on myself by trying to put a time limit on things, convincing myself that I am not progressing fast enough. However, I have come to realise that as long as I know I am trying as hard as I possibly can, that’s all that counts. Overall, I am incredibly hopeful for what may happen over the next few months and I am optimistic that by this time next year, I will have come on leaps and bounds yet again.

I would like to thank all of you for taking the time to read about my personal experience with anxiety. I really hope that sharing my story has inspired at least one of you to start fighting your anxiety in the same way that I am. Remember that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and although you may be going through a tough time right now, things WILL get better! 

Creative Writing: Anorexia

Hi guys, today my post is going to be a little bit different to the usual topics I cover. Over the past year or so, I have developed a passion for writing – hence why I have since started up my blog. Throughout my school life, English was always my strongest subject yet I never really wanted to do anything with it (until now!) Dislcaimer: I do not mean to upset or offend anybody with my writing and I have tried to deal with this topic in an extremely sensitive manner.

A few months ago, I decided that I would like to create a written piece about anorexia. In this day in age, anorexia nervosa is a very sensitive subject and it affects millions of people worldwide. The reason that I am posting this piece is so that I can share my work with you but I also want to make more people aware about the effects that anorexia can have on many men and women all over the world.

“This girl was different to the one she previously knew. Spencer used to be the life and soul of the party, always the centre of attention. She was breathtakingly beautiful and she made everybody around her feel like they belonged, like they were a part of something. She was alive, but this soon changed.

Now, her face was pale and sallow. Her eyes like two piercing black holes, vacant yet undoubtedly still mysterious. Her hair was limp and tangled, falling dead straight from centre like a pair of curtains trying to hide her face. Her cheekbones were sharp and well-defined, rivalling those of a supermodel, yet she was far from beautiful.  Her lips were quivering with fear. She slowly untied her dressing gown and let it fall effortlessly to the floor, landing gracefully at her feet. Standing in her underwear, clinging to her shapeless hips, Spencer was vulnerable. She stared listlessly, examining her gaunt frame over and over again. Skeletal and frail, she was a ghost of her former self. How had she let it get this bad? She lifted up her hand and gently brushed it against her collar bone, it was so… prominent. She looked down at her concaved, hollow chest and then her ribs, counting them with ease using just her index finger.  She was overwhelmed with emotion, her stomach churning and convulsing. She was famished, yet she wouldn’t give in. Eating was not an option. Then, Spencer froze.  She was completely still, motionless. A darkness slowly crept over her, filling the void inside her head with despair. She was numb, lifeless like a corpse. She had a sudden realisation that she was lying to herself, her condition was getting worse. Every day, every hour, every minute. She realised that in order to get on the path to recovery, she first had to admit her illness to herself. Anorexia.”  

This is just a little snippet of the piece but I am hoping to expand on it in the near future. I am always open to constructive criticism, as I constantly want to improve my work and so I welcome any suggestions that any of you may have. To read more about anorexia nervosa and other eating disorders, please click here.

Thank you for reading!

Anxiety

I hate it when people think that anxiety is not an illness. Anxiety isn't just when you get nervous before a test. It isn't when you feel a little shaky before an interview. It isn't when you get a few butterflies whilst talking to somebody you like. Anxiety prevents you from doing simple everyday tasks that others do not even bat an eyelash at. Fear takes over your entire body without any warning, and even though you know that your thoughts are irrational - you cannot shake the feeling that something terrible is going to happen.

New places, large crowds and situations where I cannot escape can all trigger absolute panic inside my mind. People often think that I use my anxiety as an excuse to get out of doing things, but this is not the case at all. I cannot pick and choose what triggers my anxiety, it is beyond my control and it upsets me when people do not believe me. Panic attacks are terrifying and they leave me feeling dizzy, weak and extremely nauseous. So why would I choose to have one on purpose?

These past few months have been horrible for me and my anxiety is worse than it has ever been. I am taking small steps but it’s not easy and it is extremely upsetting. I try to go out and slowly build up to doing things, yet I feel as if I am going nowhere. I am not improving. I feel like I am often a coward because I do not push myself, because I am just too afraid of failing and letting people down. I am so open about my anxiety and write about it a lot. This is because I feel like I should not be ashamed of it, and if one person on here reads my posts and realises that they are not alone - that will make me extremely happy.

Anxiety and depression are both serious mental illnesses and I believe that opening up is the first step of helping yourself. To read more information about anxiety and other mental health issues, I recommend that you check out the website 'Mind,' as it has a lot of great information!